February 19^th – February 25^th

-The Charlotte Bobcats Suck: Coming into the All-Star break, the Bobcats are 4-28. Do they not have what it doesn’t take to become the worst team of all time? The worst NBA team ever is commonly regarded as the 1972-1973 Philadelphia 76ers, who ended the season with a 9-73 record. That gloriously inept team started the season 0-15, sprinkled in a 21-game losing streak later on, and finished strong by dropping the last 13 games of the season. Now, because the current NBA season is truncated to a 66-game schedule, the Bobcats will probably never get final consideration as the all-time worst, even if they don’t win another game all year. And regardless, the Bobcats, with their 4 wins through 32 games, if allowed a full 82-game season, would be on pace for 10 or 11 wins. However, with the season being what it is, the Bobcats could end with the least wins of all time, which is worth something, 66 games or not, and there are several other factors that make this Bobcat futility particularly epic. For one thing, the NBA of today is not constructed on parity. There is a whole pile of crappy teams this year, take your pick: Detroit, Washington, New Orleans, New Jersey, Toronto, Cleveland, and Sacramento – all with 13 wins or less. Five of those dudfests are from the Eastern Conference, which means Charlotte gets to play them multiple times. Thus far, out of those teams, the Bobcats have only managed a win against the Raptors. As a small sampling of Charlotte’s statistical putridity, they are 30^th in points per game (86.5) and 27^th in points allowed per game (100.8) – allowing for an inconceivable -14.3 point differential (a full 5.4 points worse than the next closest team: the troupe of ball-hogging clowns that is the Washington Wizards). Name any category and the Bobcats are bad at it: 26^th in rebounds per game, 22^nd in assists per game, and dead last in steals per game. Their shooting is particularly pathetic, managing only 30% from the three point line (26^th) and 41% from the field (29^th). The Bobcats have had some problems with injuries, particularly to Gerald Henderson, the team’s leading scorer at 15 ppg, but the lack of talent is startling. The highest paid player on the team is Corey Maggette, followed by Boris Diaw and Tyrus Thomas, none of which have ever, or will ever, sniff an all-star game or produce at the level necessary to be the foundation of a successful team. High draft picks Bismack Biyambo and Kemba Walker (7^th and 9^th overall), have shown some promise, but the rest of the roster is filled with hangers-on (Reggie Williams) and mid-level journeymen (Eduardo Najera). Even if Henderson stays healthy, how can this team expect to compete with other NBA-quality rosters? I’m not even sure the Bobcats could post a .500 record in the D-League. And it’s interesting that this team was assembled under the watch of the greatest basketball player of all time – the non-bacon-necked Michael Jordan.

-Jeremy Lin sympathizes with Kris Humphries (Feb 20^th): Kris Humphries has had a respectable season to start his post-Kardashian era. He’s averaging 13.6 ppg, 10.5 rpb, and 1.2 bpg – basically doubling his career numbers. But in the meat grinder of public opinion, Humphries is a pariah. He is routinely booed by crowds all around the league, due to his supposed scorning of the casual fan’s barrel-assed reality princess, Kim Kardashian. Personal problems aside, Kris has turned into a productive force on the basketball court, and in the long run, that is how he will be judged. But it must be tough dealing with such negativity for something completely unrelated to basketball. After Kris and his Nets visited Madison Square Garden and the insane publicity monster created by Linsanity and the Knicks, Jeremy Lin was reported to have offered his condolences to Humphries for the flack he has taken. It was just a brief encounter, in the tunnel leading to the locker room, but reportedly Lin said, “I don’t know why they boo you, but I think it’s crap.” Disagreeing with the boos that Kris Humphries has dealt with is fair, but claiming to not understand them is downright naïve. While it’s admirable that Lin went out of his way to say some nice words to Humphries, who has been mostly a scapegoat of the whole 72-day sham marriage, Lin better get on board with how the media machine works. Humphries, if he knew what was good for him, should appreciate the boos - they are all that remain of his moment in the sun. If he has to play the villain to keep some of the publicity that keeps his name relevant from a marketing standpoint, then so be it. Linsanity, for as great as it is, will fade. Lin might get a full NBA career, but that will be due to his on court production, not his ability to inspire twitter trends. The extra attention, whether due to marrying a reality TV attention-whore or being a stereotype breaking wunderkind, is only temporary. So, while Lin was just being a nice guy, I hope he realizes that fans are fickle. I’m sure in the midst of all the attention he’s getting, Lin expects it to never go away. But it will. Humphries will not be getting summarily booed next season. He will be just another player. And at some point so will Lin.

-Worst Dunk Contest Ever (Feb 25^th): One of the great things sports allows fans is the ability to judge something we don’t understand. Something about sports makes it infinitely accessible, to the point that we develop passionate opinions about things we have no stake in or experience with. Everyone has opinions about dunks and dunk contests, even though most people have never dunked and never will. Dunks, because they exist to satisfy unnecessary emphasis, contain a substantial element of style. Some dunkers are powerful (Dominique Wilkins), some effortless (Dwight Howard), some graceful (Jordan), and some are chameleons who combine multiple styles into a brand of dunking that is all their own. There is no objective way to describe dunks, it’s just something you watch and appreciate. All of this is to say that one need only watch a dunk contest to judge its value. And as anyone will say, this year’s NBA dunk contest was a real stinker. But why? First off, the players were selected from small market teams (Utah, Indiana, Houston, Minnesota) that left most of the nation with no personal stake in the participants. Which of those franchises have a national fan base? Second, the players invited weren’t even the premier players from those teams – 3 of them (Evans, Budinger, and Williams) aren’t even starters. Third, there is something unsatisfying about watching these no-namers perform with better athletes scattered around the sidelines. Every time I see Lebron hooting and hollering from his seat in the front row, cheering on dunkers he would destroy, a part of All-Star Weekend dies inside me. So, while some people have suggested that the dunk contest simply dissolve, due to its descending quality, addressing these three problems would go along way to bringing back interest and relevancy. Take players from teams that matter. Jazz fans know what’s going on in Los Angeles and New York, but that information stream doesn’t work the other way around. Then take players that matter from those teams. Players who people actually know (Who the fuck is Jeremy Evans?). Then keep Lebron and Durant and Griffin away from the sidelines during the dunk contest so we don’t get constant reminders of the great players that refuse to participate (Also don't let Reggie Miller cry all night about how Lebron should be in the contest). If you want to consider it a punishment for that refusal, so be it. For example, here’s the players I would have chosen for this year, ignoring injuries or other extraneous reasons that would keep them from participating: Josh Smith, Russell Westbrook, Shannon Brown, and Blake Griffin. Josh Smith is a big dunker, from a relevant team, whose inclusion in the contest would have gone a long way to make up for snubbing him from the actual All-Star game. Plus, Smith has participated in the contest before. Westbrook is a quick, snap dunker, with a penchant for big, two hand dunks. Though a point guard, he’s also big enough to not rely on the sideshow midget tricks of Spud Webb and Spud Webb 2.0 (Nate Robinson). Take him out of that lazy skills competition and put him under the bright lights where his athleticism means something. Shannon Brown is a prolific leaper who has been buried on benches around the league for years, but every now and again, he’ll pull off a sickening dunk and you’ll ask yourself, “Why can’t a guy that athletic make more of an impact?” Brown has also competed in the dunk contest before. Blake Griffin should be included for obvious reasons - he's young and insanely athletic - but above all, just like the other All-Star contests, the winner should be required to defend his crown. If players keep refusing to participate and the league trots out another swarm of sorry sacks of shit next year, then I propose we get rid of the dunk contest in its current form. This year was terrible. I’d rather watch Glen Davis, Chuck Hayes, Kurt Thomas, and Dejuan Blair jump off of trampolines to dunk on eight foot rims than have to endure another evening of lame dunks by lame dudes.