April 1^st – April 7^th

-A Requiem for Anthony Davis and the Unibrow: Before the 2012 NBA draft, where Davis will undoubtedly be the first overall pick, let’s pause and take stock of what may have been the most impressive single season of all time by a collegiate basketball player. Davis led his team (albeit a loaded Kentucky squad) to a 38-2 record, a perfect regular season conference record (16-0), a number one overall seed for March Madness, and a national championship. Along the way, Davis earned a myriad of personal awards, including: NABC Defensive Player of the Year, SEC Player of the Year, Most Outstanding Player of the NCAA tournament, unanimous first-team All-American, and Naismith College Player of the Year; becoming the first player from Kentucky to earn the honor and the first from the SEC in 42 years (Pete Maravich). And he did this ALL AS A FRESHMAN. True, many precocious basketball prodigies, before the advent of the NBA requirement to be a year removed from high school, forewent a college career to hop right into the League. Can you imagine if Lebron James played in college? It surely would be almost unfair, but could you guarantee that Lebron would match the illustrious track record Davis accomplished in his one year at Kentucky? I would hesitate to guarantee it. Davis’ success and his personal story are as unlikely as the curious patch of hair that rests above his nasal passage. He began high school standing only 6 feet tall. He was barely even recruited until well into his junior season, when he had grown to an incredible 6’10”. He promptly joined with Meanstreets, a nationally renowned AAU program, and got overwhelming attention for his size, defensive instincts, and athleticism. He signed with Kentucky as the #1 ranked high school prospect. Basically, within a calendar year, Davis went from being an unknown, playing at an unknown Charter school on Chicago’s Southside (Perspectives), to being the most sought after basketball prospect in the country. Flash forward two more seasons and Davis was in New Orleans, celebrating the culmination of one of college basketball’s most dominating seasons of all time. To add to his legend, Davis accomplished all of this under the guise of an infuriating unibrow (recognizable enough to garner its own twitter account), of which there are only scant explanations. First, there’s the possibility Davis doesn’t realize how unfashionable a unibrow is. But at this point, it’s hard to believe no one has advised him to buzz it off (Where are the Jackass guys with their drive-by shavings when you need them?). It’s also possible that he leaves his forehead bushy on purpose, to demonstrate his refusal to adhere to social norms. Or maybe I’m out of the loop and girls dig unibrows. Regardless, the unibrow gives Davis a visual trademark that makes his accomplishments even more memorable. In fifty years, looking back at his whirlwind freshman season, we’ll see footage of Davis at Kentucky and say, “Oh yeah, that kid with the unibrow!” The only thing that would make the whole thing more interesting is if Davis turns out to be a bust in the NBA; which, judging from his skinny frame and the knee problems that usually accompany rapid growth, is a distinct possibility. Either way, his college career is over. His unibrow might even be on the way out (I can’t imagine an NBA publicist being willing to put THAT mug on a billboard without some grooming). So, let’s take a moment to furrow our own brows together and say goodbye to a one of a kind player who accomplished a one of a kind season.

-Augusta Still Won’t Accept Women: I’ve long argued that golf is a sham of a sport because of its lack of athletes. While obviously a skill sport, the talent pool the best golfers emerge from is exceedingly narrow, meaning that the potential is similarly narrowed. Tiger Woods was big news because he was a black man, also athletic, making a white sport look easy. But Tiger Woods is no Kobe Bryant, or Calvin Johnson, or Albert Pujols – not athletically anyway. If those people spent their entire lives on the golf course, wouldn’t their athleticism dominate the PGA, making the white, pudgy middle agers that currently compete obsolete? Skill is actually held equal, and is by definition attainable. Talent is innate, and by definition unattainable. And golf enthusiasts seem to notice this, making their sport as exclusionary as possible. Notice that most people take up golf when they are too old to play the more physically demanding sports. Notice that it is a sport almost entirely comprised of white people. Notice that these “clubs” are so damned racist and sexist that they remain some of the only institutions in modern culture that actively discriminate. I’m not arguing this as a legal issue, as the courses, including Augusta, are private clubs which can accept or deny any members they choose. But this exclusivity is wholly damaging to the sport these people support. As the financial climate shifts, as rich white folks consolidate wealth even fewer and farther between, Augusta’s potential member pool will continue to shrink. They should be reaching out, just as the PGA has done for years. There is not an unlimited stream of rich white guys available to pay outrageous membership fees; Augusta should be embracing anyone who has the money to pay to play on their finely manicured courses. Catering to the few over the many is an inherently flawed marketing formula. Forget equality or fairness, Augusta should be concerned with providing a sustained business model. If that means taking in some women members in the short term to lock in membership dues for the long run, then hop down off that high horse and make it happen. Not to mention the bad publicity Augusta gets from their highly controversial policies. Disallowing women makes Augusta seem grossly outdated, like an 1800s plantation without the slaves – though I’m sure these old white fucks wouldn’t be averse to adding that feature either.