Week Eight and Mid-Season Player Reports

 

Mark Koll: This season seems like a turning point for Mark's HatchetBall career.  He's played in the championship game every year he's been in HatchetBall and is currently riding a three season title streak.  However, with the new-found depth in the HatchetBall draft and the addition of a marriage weighing him down, Mark may face his most difficult road to the winner's circle this season.  Still, that critique sounds familiar.  Mark deserves the benefit of the doubt based on his previous accomplishments that his is still the team to beat.

 

Current Record: 4-2    Projected Record: 8-4

 

HatchetBall Door-Stopping Method: Mark commands the door to stay open and it does.

 

Best Game: Week Three.  Mark poured in 31 points, 14 rebounds, 4 assists, and a league-high 7 three-pointers in a trouncing of Team Yellow. 

 

-History Lesson-


 

Mark Koll 2014-2015 Season Averages

 

PPG

RPG

APG

BPG

FT%

26.83

12.17

3.00

0.67

81.82%

 

 

 

Matt Koll: Matt has struggled through another offensively-challenged first half in 2014-2015, not even averaging 9 points a game.  At first, it appeared that Matt wouldn't need to score much, with rookie HatchetBaller Kyle Whirity leading the charge for Light Green's offense.  However, after a hot 2-0 start, Light Green has regressed in a big way, stumbling to a 3-3 overall record at the break.  With three elite players, this is unacceptable.  Matt and Jerry will have to get their shit together if they plan on making a playoff push.  At the rate they're going, it seems likely that they'll snag a 5 or 6 seed and lose easily in the first round.  To make things easy, they should make a goal to score 60 points a game.  Their defense can be stifling at times, so it seems reasonable that 60 points should keep them in every game.  But is 60 points per game an impossibility for this squad?

 

Current Record: 3-3    Projected Record: 7-5

 

HatchetBall Door-Stopping Method: Matt politely averts his gaze from the door and hopes that someone else keeps it open.

 

Best Game: Week Six.  Matt's best outing of the season (16 points, 10 rebounds, 5 blocks) was wasted in a loss to Team Dark Blue.

 

-History Lesson-

 

Matt Koll 2014-2015 Season Averages

 

PPG

RPG

APG

BPG

FT%

8.83

11.33

2.83

3.00

43.75%

 

 

 

Matt Vitaliano: It's starting to become a reoccurring theme that Matt V's teams never live up to their potential.  And certainly the start of Team Orange's season made it appear that their roster was not as advertised.  But just a few weeks later, Orange looks like a real contender.  When the whole team is available, they run six players deep with solid talent (don't forget the Dothraki horseman, who may be the team's second-best offensive threat).  Orange seems to have a little bit of everything: size (Danaher), shooting (Rob, Steve, Matt V), and defense (everyone except Matt V).  Their vulnerability is in spreading the wealth around too often.  Balance is key, but everyone trying to get their own selfish shots off at the expense of the team can be disastrous.  It's a fine line that Orange will walk for the rest of the season.  For example: will Matt V be on the floor during crunch time when his shots aren't falling?  If the defense is focused on stopping Rob, who should be taking the majority of the shots?  Danaher?  Matt V?  Steve?  (Note: the answer is probably still Rob.)

 

Current Record: 4-2    Projected Record: 9-3

 

HatchetBall Door-Stopping Method: Hurl a bunch of tough-guy 90's insults at the door, silently praying that his friends will back him up and stop the door from crushing his paper-thin, osteoporosis-riddled bones.

 

Best Game: Week Five.  Matt V continued his assault of all Mark Koll teams by pouring in 21 points on a season-high 7 three-pointers.  Lord have mercy.

 

-History Lesson-


 

Matt Vitaliano 2014-2015 Season Averages

 

PPG

RPG

APG

BPG

FT%

10.83

3.83

0.83

0.50

NA

 

 

 

Rob Knapczyk: While the hair on his balls and head continue to grow in disproportionate levels, I think it's safe to say that Rob is back.  Tossing an ACL injury on top of the natural regression of age that makes us all a little slower and fatter was unfair, but Rob has shown that he is up to the challenge.  This season, he is scoring over 27 ppg and his complaining is at an all-time high.  It's nice to have our Polish sausage back.

 

Current Record: 4-2   Projected Record: 9-3

 

HatchetBall Door-Stopping Method: Bitch, moan, and try to seduce the door with the unsexiest dance moves ever attempted.  The door stays open out of pity.

 

Best Game: Week Four.  Rob put up a monstrous effort against Team Dark Green with 38 points, 18 rebounds, and 5 assists.  Alas, it was not enough to get the win.

 

-History Lesson-

 

 

Rob Knapczyk 2014-2015 Season Averages

 

PPG

RPG

APG

BPG

FT%

27.67

13.83

4.17

0.17

85.37%

 

 

 

Luke A: Luke will always be a supporting-role type of player.  He seems content to help others produce in the best interests of the team.  Unfortunately, this strategy has not resulted in success for poor Luke.  Luke holds the all-time HatchetBall record with three championship appearances and ZERO championships.  That makes Luke the first triple-loser in HatchetBall history.  But that won't get the Greek down.  He's back in the mix with one of the best offensive forces in the league by his side and they've been competitive in compiling a 3-3 record.  They'll definitely need better production from the rest of their shallow roster to get to the next level, but look for Luke and Steigs to be a force to reckon with come playoff time.

 

Current Record: 3-3   Projected Record: 7-5

 

HatchetBall Door-Stopping Method: Get drunk and stick lifeless body in the way of the door: Zombie-Stopper.

 

Best Game: Week Seven.  Luke took advantage of a Team Red rout of Team Yellow to put up a season high 20 points and swat 4 blocks.

 

-History Lesson-

 

 

Luke A. 2014-2015 Season Averages

 

PPG

RPG

APG

BPG

FT%

13.40

10.40

3.80

2.20

57.89%

 

 

 

Jerry Hahn: It's starting to become frustrating to watch Jerry play basketball.  He looks like a hamster spinning on one of those metal wheels.  At some point, you have to ask yourself why you aren't getting anywhere.  Jerry's teams always seem prone to ridiculous scoring droughts.  Even though he plays harder than every one of his opponents, the rules of basketball will always favor the offense.  Jerry can leap and bound and grunt his way to a 1,000 rebounds, but the only tally that decides a winner is points.  Jerry will always be a pass-first type, but he should focus on who he is passing to, and more importantly, when he gives them the ball.  A good pass is not just an on-time delivery to an open player.  A good pass puts the other player in a position to succeed.  Jerry is leading HatchetBall in assists with 31 through six games, but I think he'll have to do even better if Light Green is going to give Orange or Dark Blue a run for their money in the playoffs.  The good news is, I still don't think we've seen Jerry at his best in HatchetBall.  There will a game coming soon where Jerry puts it all together and delivers a performance for the ages.  Let's hope he puts it to good use.

 

Current Record: 3-3    Projected Record: 8-4

 

HatchetBall Door-Stopping Method: Give the door an application to work for Barraco's.  Wait for it to be hired.   Fuck it into submission.

 

Best Game: Week Two.  Jerry flirted with a triple-double in Light Green's victory over Dark Green, with 10 points, 16 rebounds, and 9 assists.  Holy macaroni!

 

-History Lesson-

 

Jerry Hahn 2014-2015 Season Averages

 

PPG

RPG

APG

BPG

FT%

12.60

11.20

6.20

1.00

58.33%

 

 

 

Dave Troy: Troy has been a stable force all season long for a very capable Dark Blue team.  His season averages are better than his career averages in points, rebounds, and assists.  Sure, his numbers are slightly inflated due to playing with league emperor Mark Koll drawing all the attention every game, but kudos to Troy for taking advantage of the opportunity and having a career year.  If he can continue to trend upward at this pace, Dark Blue will be very difficult to beat.

 

Current Record: 4-2   Projected Record: 8-4

 

HatchetBall Door-Stopping Method: Smother the door with love and affection and make the door succumb with sensitivity.

 

Best Game: Week Five.  Troy poured in a career high 23 points in the Week Five loss to Team Orange.

 

-History Lesson-

 

Dave Troy 2014-2015 Season Averages

 

PPG

RPG

APG

BPG

FT%

10.17

5.83

3.33

0.17

75.00%

 

 

 

Mike Steigerwald: Even though he only got a shortened HatchetBall rookie season which was then cut even shorter by an early first-round exit in the playoffs, Mike proved himself as a top HatchetBaller in 2013-2014.  And he's backed that up in a big way in his sophomore season.  He's currently tops in HatchetBall with a huge 29.4 ppg and has led his team to a respectable 3-3 record.  His scoring will be key if Red wants to make some noise in April.

 

Current Record: 3-3   Projected Record: 7-5

 

HatchetBall Door-Stopping Method: Confuse the door with his body shape and then barrage the door with sick fade-away jumpers.

 

Best Game: Week Four.  Mike put up a big-time 35 point, 13 rebound effort in the win over Light Blue.

 

-History Lesson-

 

Year

Championship Team Color

2011

Orange

2012

Red

2013

Brown

2014

Grey

2015

?

 

Mike Steigerwald 2014-2015 Season Averages

 

PPG

RPG

APG

BPG

FT%

29.40

9.60

3.40

0.40

90.91%

 

 

 

Steve Dudek: The jury is still out on Steve in his rookie HatchetBall campaign.  There's no doubt he possesses the tools needed to be a primetime performer, but early indications are that he will be an uneven contributor from week to week.  In his four games, he's scored 2, 12, 18, and 21 points.  Based on this small sample size, it's hard to map out exactly what Steve is capable of over the long haul.  Only time will tell.

 

Current Record: 4-2   Projected Record: 9-4

 

HatchetBall Door-Stopping Method: Get into an ill-advised sexual relationship with a much older door in the hopes of convincing the younger, prettier door to yearn for his loins.

 

Best Game: Week Three. Steve put up big time numbers against Team Light Blue in Week Three, with 21 points, 9 rebounds, and 6 long-jacks.

 

-History Lesson-

 

 

Steve Dudek 2014-2015 Season Averages

 

PPG

RPG

APG

BPG

FT%

13.25

5.75

2.50

0.50

66.67%

 

 

 

Mike Davis: Filling in as a last-minute replacement, Mike has quickly turned himself into one of the most dominant forces in HatchetBall.  He's rebounding the ball at an unprecedented rate.  Through six games, he's tallied 108 rebounds.  He will surely rewrite the entire record book when it comes to rebounding.  However, his glass dominance has not translated to wins.  Light Blue currently sits at 2-4 on the year.  Unfortunately, Mike may fall into the same category as Matt Koll and Jerry: The Facilitator.  They do a lot for their team, but they need someone else to steer the ship.  Look for Mike to change this perception in the second half.  If he doesn't, Light Blue might miss the playoffs altogether.

 

Current Record: 2-4   Projected Record: 6-6

 

HatchetBall Door-Stopping Method: Hire the Les Brothers to hold the door for him.

 

Best Game: Week Five.  Mike put up a whale of a game in Week Five, collecting 19 points, 22 rebounds, 8 assists, and 4 blocks.  It was one of the best all-around games in HatchetBall history.  That being said, Light Blue still came up short.

 

-History Lesson-

 

Mike Davis 2014-2015 Season Averages

 

PPG

RPG

APG

BPG

FT%

13.50

18.00

5.33

2.17

53.85%

 

 

 

Paul Hobe: Another HatchetBall rookie, it's hard to say what the future holds for Paul and Team Dark Green.  Paul has had his moments, but has struggled to find consistent ways to contribute.  Paul's skill set doesn't include outside shooting, so he'll have to learn to stay involved in other ways: offensive rebounding, transition opportunities, cutting, driving, etc.  He has a team full of chuckers who aren't looking to set him up for success, so he'll have to create his own success.  Leveraging his tattoos for intimidation purposes would be a nice start.

 

Current Record: 3-3   Projected Record: 6-6

 

HatchetBall Door-Stopping Method: Emo-Screams to blow the door open with a gust of angst and ire.

 

Best Game: Week Six.  Paul put up a steady stat-line with 6 points, 6 boards, 5 assists, and 2 blocks in the Week Six loss to Team Grey.

 

-History Lesson-

 

Year

Super Bowl Halftime Performer

2011

Black Eyed Peas

2012

Madonna

2013

Beyonce

2014

Bruno Mars

2015

Katy Perry

2016

Slayer

2017

Iced Earth

2018

Wheatus

2019

Pantera (feat. Cyborg Dimebag)

2020

Slayer

 

Paul Hobe 2014-2015 Season Averages

 

PPG

RPG

APG

BPG

FT%

5.40

7.00

1.80

0.60

50.00%

 

 

 

Mark Vitaliano: Expectations are high for Mark V in the second half of the schedule.  Simply put, unless Mark can turn himself back into an every-possession threat, Light Blue may be on the outside looking in come the April postseason.  However, it's fair to mention that Mark has been away from basketball and is steadily working himself back into shape.  There definitely have been signs that Mark is still a capable weapon who can do a little bit of everything on both sides of the court.  It will be key for him to focus in as Light Blue makes their push for the playoffs.

 

Current Record: 2-4   Projected Record: 6-6

 

HatchetBall Door-Stopping Method: Liu Kang bicycle kick to rip that door to pieces.

 

Best Game: Week Six.  Mark poured in 23 points and chipped in 11 rebounds in the Week Six loss.

 

-History Lesson-


 

Mark Vitaliano 2014-2015 Season Averages

 

PPG

RPG

APG

BPG

FT%

15.20

8.20

1.40

0.60

40.00%

 

 

 

 

 

2014-2015 Standings

 

Team

Captain

Record

Streak

Orange

Matt V

4-2

W3

DarkBlue

Bo

4-2

W2

Yellow

Tierney

3-3

W1

Red

Beave

3-3

L1

DarkGreen

Conway

3-3

L1

LightGreen

Brennan

3-3

L2

Grey

Johnson

2-4

L1

LightBlue

Vito

2-4

L1

 

League Leaders

 

PPG

RPG

APG

BPG

FT%

29.40

(Mike S.)

18.00

(Mike D.)

6.20

(Jerry)

3.00

(Matt K.)

90.91%

(Mike S.)

27.67

(Rob)

13.83

(Rob)

5.33

(Mike D.)

2.20

(Luke)

85.37%

(Rob)

26.83

(Mark K.)

12.17

(Mark K.)

4.17

(Rob)

2.17

(Mike D.)

81.82%

(Mark K.)

15.20

(Mark V.)

11.33

(Matt K.)

3.80

(Luke)

0.83

(Jerry)

75.00%

(Troy)

13.50

(Mike D.)

11.20

(Jerry)

3.40

(Mike S.)

0.67

(Mark K.)

66.67%

(Steve)