Week Nine Player Reports

Luke – It shouldn’t be that surprising that Luke wound up having a big game in Week Nine. While dominant teams have no motivation to beat up on shitty teams, average squads tend to put up spectacular numbers against those same shitty teams. Luke’s team is only a turd-length away from the toilet water, so it takes every ounce of his effort to stay dry. Team Red is the doormat of HatchetBall teams this season, regularly getting stepped on worse than Matt V’s puny Italian sausage on a Friday night at Escapades. Team Green beat Team Red easily, but with Green’s roster full of spazzoids and schizos, the ball was in Luke’s hands for the entirety of the game. This same scenario, of course, has led to the increased stat production Luke has exhibited in 2012-2013. But Week Nine was perhaps his best showing yet, racking up 14 points, 12 rebounds, eight assists, and one block. Team Green now stands at 4-3, leaving them (somehow) near the top of the standings. There’s no doubt that Luke’s Lovable Gang of Losers poses absolutely no threat to Team Orange or Team Brown, but I guess if Rob contracts AIDS (highly possible) and Mark dies of laughter when Rob contracts AIDS (highly possible), Team Green might end up as champions by default. At the very least, that’s a reason to keep on truckin’.

Rob – Just one week after coming within a hair of the much ballyhooed triple-double, Rob stepped up and secured it. By night’s end, Rob’s official stat line read 28 points, 14 rebounds, and 10 assists. While I would love to sit here and talk about the suspicious cold-sores circling his mouth and the vast array of butt-plugs under his bed, a triple-double is quite a feat. So I guess I’ll just let him enjoy this one. Well played.

Matt V – Breaking News: Matt V is injured again. Hearing of Matt V’s inevitable injury surprised me about as much as the time I found Rob naked in a bathtub full of pierogis (his dick was the only one filled with cheese). I guess it’s almost a shame Matt V got hurt, seeing as though he was finally helping his pathetic team of Blue-Cappers. He had 14 points and 4 rebounds before rolling his ankle and leaving the game. The typical ankle sprain lasts about 1-2 weeks, which makes Matt V’s timeline for return early 2015.

Matt K – Another strong outing from Matt in Week Nine, but it was of little use, as Team Sky Blue fell to 2-5 on the year. Matt, along with Luke and Rob, also flirted with a triple-double: 9 points, 15 rebounds, 6 assists, and 1 block. At this point, I’m thinking Blue just doesn’t have the right mix of players. Sure, they have Pat Ash and Ryan Drish holding them back. And sure, they have a captain who gets hurt more than people twice his age (Dunner hasn’t missed a game since ’95!). But even Blue’s more dependable players (I’m looking at you Fitz and Flyin’ Hawaiin) seem ill-suited to play with each other. After two consecutive seasons of league dominance, resulting in two straight championships, will Matt Koll miss the playoffs altogether?