Week Eight and Mid-Season Player Reports

Mark - When this season began, there was an unspoken consensus that Mark's was the team to beat. Of course, this is always the case, as Mark has dominated in his first three seasons as a HatchetBaller. But the 2012-2013 season has been noticeably different. Team Brown seems head and shoulders above the rest. And while Mark seems well on pace for his second HatchetBall championship, the lack of competition has definitely hurt his offensive production. It's one of the ironic caveats of being on a good team: there isn't always a need to score. In his five games played so far in the 2012-2013 season, Mark has waffled through three blowouts and two semi-competitive contests. In the two close games, he averaged 32 ppg. In the blowouts, he's only averaged 18.6 ppg. Here's to hoping that the rest of the league steps it up in the second half so Mark can get back on the scoring horse and ride it to a 1,000 points for his career.

Current Record: 5-1

Projected Record: 10-2

Best Game: Week One. Mark went off for 35 points, 7 rebounds, and two assists. More importantly, Mark went 6-6 from the free throw line, which set him up for some hot shooting from the stripe in the coming weeks. Over the first half of the season, he shot 94.1%, which is almost 20% better than anyone else in HatchetBall.

Current Streak: 30 straight games with at least one assist.

And 1 Nickname: "Skip To My Lou". Skip was that rarest of And 1ers, because he actually made it to the NBA. Like Skip, Mark seems like just another HatchetBall player. But it's important to remember that he could be playing somewhere far better for millions of dollars. Which is something you could never say about a loser like Matt V.

And 1 Slogan: "If you had my game, you'd still have your girl."

Matt Koll - Matt kicked off the 2012-2013 season by doing something that no one thought was possible: he started scoring LESS. This was as about surprising as when Kraft came out with their new Mac n' Cheese that was even CHEESIER. In past years, everyone has railed on Matt for not scoring enough for his teams to win. But Matt mostly proved his detractors wrong by winning the past two HatchetBall championships. However, this season has been a wake up call. Team Sky Blue isn't doing well and hasn't really been all that competitive. Sure, Matt has played hard. Sure, his rebounding numbers have been impressive. But scoring is what gets wins. Scoring is what gets a man laid. Think about it: how many bitches want to fuck the best REBOUNDER on the team. Nah. Bitches want to fuck the guy with the most buckets. Or the biggest dick. Neither of which Matt seems to be, though we will have to consult Katie Hull for verification.

Current Record: 2-4

Projected Record: 5-7

Best Game: Week Eight. Matt outscored his total from the rest of season, putting up a big 18 points. He threw in 12 rebounds and 3 assists to boot. His four 3-pointers was a career high.

Current Streak: 7 straight games with 10+ rebounds.

And 1 Nickname: "Escalade". Escalade was the 300-pound gorilla on the StreetBall circuit. He seems as good a comparison as anyone to Matt Koll, because I can't imagine what a 300-pound gorilla, named after a giant black car no less, could offer besides a few rebounds. Plus, I call bullshit that Escalade ever played any "Street Ball." Fat guys don't tend to last long playing on black asphalt in 100-degree weather somewhere in downtown Atlanta.

And 1 Slogan: "PHAT: My game, my car, and your mom."

Matt V - Speaking of 2013 surprises...MATT V HAS SOMEHOW GOTTEN WORSE! Apparently, he's decided to stop playing HatchetBall and start playing HatchetCrawl. His scoring is WAY down (3.8 ppg) from his career average (9.8 ppg) and his 3-pointer total (7) puts him on pace for only 14 for the season. His lowest total for a season prior to this year was 30, so he has fallen off at a tremendous pace. But perhaps declining more rapidly than anything is Matt V's sense of style. Sure, he's never been much of a looker anyway, but the way he wears his shirt slightly tucked in to his shorts makes him look like a fat person turned skinny, with a big bag of flabby pussy skin drooping down all around his waist. Plus, maybe it's just me, but do those ridiculous retro socks he wears look absolutely normal on him? I don't even notice them anymore. But I don't think this was a normalization process. I think he's just so old and pathetic that he's grown into the look. What a crappy crap-hole of a player. What a crappy crap-hole of a person.

Current Record: 2-4

Projected Record: 5-7

Best Game: Week One. It's hard to pick a decent game with so much shit staring you in the face, but I suppose Week One was a good showing for Matt V. He only scored three points, but his 10 rebounds were far and away a career high. It was definitely a fluke, but in a couple years, when Matt V has been dead for a couple years, the stats are the only thing that will remain. It will remain true, for all time, that Matt V had a double-digit rebounding game.

Current Streak: 2 straight games with 3+ points.

And 1 Nickname: "Cut List: Matt Vitaliano". Matt V doesn't deserve a real nickname. He would be one of those players who tries out during the day and doesn't get the invite for the night game inside the arena.

And 1 Slogan: "Turn on the disposal. My game is garbage."

Luke - There's no question Luke is a different player this season. He came in looking trim, sleek, and paler than ever. His numbers are up almost across the board compared to his career numbers: more points (+7), more rebounds (+2), and WAY better free throw shooting (+15%). Not that the 57% he's shooting from the line is that impressive, but his marked improvement deserves a special shout-out. More importantly, despite prognostications that put his squad near the bottom of the league in terms of talent, Luke has his team at .500 and in good position to nab a playoff spot. Sure, he still looks like a fool trying to lead a fast break...and sure, he still falls down a lot...but Luke 2.0 is a completely different HatchetBall competitor now that he's dropped the Jerry Hahn-sized fat deposit that was hiding under his shirt. Plus, when he falls down, you no longer have to worry about those pesky craters.

Current Record: 3-3

Projected Record: 5-7

Best Game: Week Three. With 16 points, 11 rebounds, and 4 assists, it almost seemed possible that Team Green could find success running their offense through Luke. Of course, that isn't the case at all. But for a single week, Luke mostly pulled it off. A tip of the cap for that.

Current Streak: 6 straight games with 4+ free throws attempted.

And 1 Nickname: "Prime Objective". I like this name for Luke because it's so lame. How many of the streetball groupies did Prime Objective pull? "Oh no, Charlene...you can have that little Hot Sauce shrimp. I want me some Prime Objective." Interestingly, if I had given Luke a nickname a year ago, there's no question he would have been "Escalade." Yet another advantage to losing weight: avoiding my insults. Well...mostly.

And 1 Slogan: "What's wrong? Mama forgot to pack your game?"

Rob - Halfway through his third HatchetBall season, the question still lingering around Rob's legacy is whether his team will ever compete for a title. As has been well documented, he has thus far failed to even play in a HatchetBall championship. Could 2012-2013 be the year that Rob breaks through? Only time will tell. What is for sure is that Rob is yet again producing at a high level. His season averages of 32, 12, and 4 are intimidating enough. If you add in the raging hard-ons he gets every time the Drish Look-a-Like lifts up his shirt to show his belly on the bench, Rob might be the most fearsome fighter at the FishBowl.

Current Record: 4-2.

Projected Record: 9-3

Best Game: Week Five. Coming DANGEROUSLY close to a triple double in the win, Rob finished with 30 points, 10 rebounds, and 9 assists. If the trend continues and no one ever gets a Triple Double, you have to imagine not getting that that last assist will be the biggest regret of his entire life...an even bigger regret than those two wild weeks he spent with the Whore Queen of Brewbakers.

Current Streak: 2 straight games with 1+ free throw missed.

And 1 Nickname: "Hot Sauce". He would have been the star of the show if Skip to My Lou didn't steal his shine by making it to the NBA. Rob can give you a few highlights, much like our Hotty Hot Saucey Sauce, but when it came to actual basketball, he just couldn't stack up to Skip. Much like Rob can't stack up to Mark.

And 1 Slogan: "My game's tighter than your Mama's wig."

Jerry Hahn - After the shame of sitting out the playoffs last year, Jerry seems re-vitalized by playing with a stacked Brown team. His numbers have remained steady as compared to his rookie season, but those numbers mean more this year, with a fuller team making statistics harder to come by. Basically, even though Brown needs less out of Jerry compared to last season on Matt V's team (when they needed him to do EVERYTHING to compete), he's been able to produce at an almost identical level. Which is pretty impressive. Even scarier, it feels like Jerry is headed towards some monster games in the second half of the season. Don't be surprised if he pops out a couple 20+ point games in the coming weeks. Also, don't be surprised if Jerry grows out a bad-ass neck beard and starts looking strangely similar to Marco Belinelli if he had light-brown hair.

Current Record: 5-1

Projected Record: 10-2

Best Game: Week 8. With 18 points, 15 rebounds, and 2 three-pointers, Jerry played his most dominant game of the season against an under-manned Red Team. Not to mention one nasty-ass spin cycle that we caught on camera and what will inevitably be the sickest GIF ever created.

Current Streak: 18 straight games with 5+ rebounds.

And 1 Nickname: "The Professor". Only because I feel like The Professor played wiffleball before getting picked up by the And 1 streetball tour. Plus Jerry looks like a little thug trashball, too.

And 1 Slogan: "I hope you brought peanut butter, because I'm gonna JAM all over your face."

Troy - Troy is perhaps the most enigmatic of the Hatchetballers. His production never seems to be consistent, and never all that flashy. But averaged out over a season, Troy's numbers show the real contributions he makes. He isn't a stud at any single thing (he isn't in the top 2 of any statistical category) but he does a little bit of everything. He can score, he can hit threes, he can grab rebounds, and he can block shots. Nowadays, I can't really say ANY of those things about Matt V. So, congrats I guess? You are now officially better than Matt V at basketball...an accomplishment you should put alongside brushing your teeth and finishing Beginner Sudoku puzzles.

Current Record: 3-3

Projected Record: 5-7

Best Game: Week Four. Troy has struggled with his outside shooting for much of the season, and it was great to see him knock a couple trey-balls down in Week Four. But more importantly, Troy added 4 rebounds and a career high 6 assists to his 10 point effort. That well-rounded attack is how he can become a premier Hatchetballer.

Current Streak: 5 straight games with 4+ points and 4+ rebounds.

And 1 Nickname: "Shane". Shane was the idiot who didn't seem to get the point that a "And 1 StreetBall Nickname" was supposed to be a "Nickname" and not your "actual name." But I feel like, if given the opportunity to be a professional Streetballer, Troy would name himself Troy. And we would all hate him for it.

And 1 Slogan: "I put the ILL in SKILLS."

Drish - I'm not entirely convinced Drish deserves a mid-season synopsis. His first half numbers, taken as a whole, I could easily reproduce in ONE PLAY. I think we all knew he would be a bit of a waste of space on the court, but interesting to look at (much like one of those corner lamps that only illuminate the tiny space on the ceiling above the corner lamp)...but I don't think any of us thought Drish would be quite this pathetic. He makes Pat Ash look like Steve Nash. He makes Matt V look like Pat Ash. But, first things first, if Drish plans on pulling himself into some type of playing shape and offering his team some assistance: show up to the fucking games. Everybody works you puss-bag. Man up.

Current Record: 2-4

Projected Record: 5-7

Best Game: March 24th, 1994. Ryan scored a team-high 8 points for Team GSBS Blue (playing against Team GSBS White).

Current Streak: 3 straight games of 1+ minutes played.

And 1 Nickname: "Half-Man, Half-Amazing." Half-Retarded.

And 1 Slogan: "The only thing broker than my jumper is my dick."