Week Seven Player Reports

Mark - All four active players in Week Seven played in the same game, with the dominant Team Brown squaring off against the puny Team Green. The game was a predictable, one-sided affair, but in his usual fashion, whenever the competition isn't up to snuff, Mark fails to impress. Team Green just wasn't enough motivation to keep him sharp, seeing as though they rely on a fat-headed Greek (Try losing a few pounds on that noggin!) who has never been a consistent scoring threat and a golden-haired dick-sucker who hasn't played organized basketball since his starring role on Bill Gerny's B-Team. Mark plodded along, scoring 20 points, grabbing 11 rebounds, and dishing out 5 assists. Very pedestrian by his standards, but Brown still cruised to an easy victory, improving to 4-1 on the season (4-0 with Mark in the lineup). Despite a tough week, Team Brown is still the class of the league, and Mark "Wannabuyacopier?" Koll is still on course for his 4th consecutive MVP award.

Jerry - Sparked by a vicious hatred for all things Green and Greek, Hahn did a great job of getting to the basket and finishing strong. With his wingman Gordon Beckman, the top of Brown's zone is the most fearsome force in HatchetBall. They are constantly tipping passes that lead to fast-breaks. If Jerry plays with confidence, he should get 4-5 easy lay-ups per game in the open floor. Hahn finished with 8 points, 5 rebounds, and 4 assists. Nearing the halfway point of the season, Jerry seems primed to kick it into hyper-drive and really do some damage in the second half of the season.

Luke - Another strong effort from LucAss in Week Seven, totaling 17 points, 8 rebounds, and 3 assists. His team fell to 2-3 on the year, but the blame really shouldn't fall on his beefy shoulders. But it should be pointed out that Luke's increased production this year is mostly due to the indifference and ineptitude of his teammates. He's getting a lot of shot attempts and easy rebounds simply because no one else on his team seems to want to get too involved. This is good for Luke's stats, but you would have to imagine that playing on a better team would actually hurt him, which sets up a curious precedent for the future. Might Luke now go the route of the ill-fated Knapczyk? Sure, Rob piles up plenty of stats, but his team seems to be worse off for his influence. It's proof that basketball is controlled by team production, not individual production. Don't be surprised if Luke doubles his career averages this year, his team goes 4-8, and he misses the playoffs; at which point you have to wonder if those stats were worth it. As a greedy, stat-obsessed megalomaniac myself, I'd say they most certainly are.

Troy - The Father-To-Be/Step-Father/Godfather-Fanatic continues his up-tick in all areas of the game. His stat line for Week Seven read 12 points and 4 rebounds. He's moving much better on offense and it's led to better opportunities for easy buckets. Again, Team Green seems headed nowhere fast, but you have to give it up for Luke and Troy, who have made the most out of a bad situation. Half of Green's players look like they just escaped their cages at Blue Cap, and their coach looks like a bloated platypus. However, I'm still waiting for Troy's breakout game. If he stopped wasting his time on hopeless causes, like curing cancer, and worked on something that matters, like practicing jumpers, he might put together a special performance. Team Green was doomed from the outset; he might as well try and set a few personal records.