Week Six Player Reports

Matt V - Only Troy saw this game, as he arrived early just to keep stats for Matt V (which is about exciting as watching and old person wait for the bus), so only he can verify that Matt V actually scored any points. In his first four outings of the season, Flat V was averaging just 3 points per game. While 8 points is nothing to get too excited over (his total in Week Six), it has to be considered a breakthrough for this HatchetBall veteran. Especially considering that everyone thought he was falling apart faster than Matt Koll would in a police interrogation. Note: If you're ever putting together a team to rob a bank or something, do not include Matt Koll. When the shit hits the fan, he will fold under the pressure and rat you out quicker than Matt V's balls hit the toilet water when he goes to take a piss. Crap V finished with a couple three pointers, 7 rebounds, and 1 assist. Though it's not particularly surprising, Matt V has yet to secure a blocked shot or attempt a free throw on the season. But most importantly, Baby Blue lost again, to a Rob-less Orange squad. Of course, Matt V still had the nerve to complain that "his team didn't show up" and that "Pat Ash was the sixth man", despite the fact that HE WAS THE ONE WHO DRAFTED PAT ASH (SO STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT HIM YOU PUBE) and that ORANGE DIDN'T HAVE THEIR BEST PLAYER. That means that the playing field was more or less equal. And you still lost. Go spoon a javelin you cocksucker.

Luke - Team Green stayed on course, beating a lackluster Yellow Team. But, remember that getting into the playoffs requires nothing more than wins. This isn't the BCS and strength of schedule doesn't matter. This isn't the NCAA and "signature wins" don't factor in. If Green takes care of business in the games that are winnable, one would think they could position themselves to draw a good playoff match-up. The truth is that their team isn't that good, but stranger things have happened in HatchetBall: with a little luck and some timely contributions, Team Green could be more of a factor in the playoff picture than we might have thought at the beginning of the year. Luke continued his resurgent season, piling up 13 points, 7 rebounds, and throwing in his first three pointer of the year. However, as the stat keeper and website coordinator, I feel it's my duty to point out Luke's ridiculous hubris. Sure, he's playing much better this season. But in his post-game interview, he claimed that he was the "top rebounder" for the season. I assured him he was wrong and I'm happy to say the numbers show that he's an absolute fool. With 4 games played on the season, Luke has 38 rebounds, good for an average of 9.5 per game. Of course, this isn't even close to Matt Koll, who has amassed 53 rebounds in the same number of games, good for an average of 13.25 per game. Also, Luke trails Rob, who has 51 rebounds on the season, good for an average of 12.75 per game. But as if this didn't already make Luke look dumb enough, he also trails young Jerry Hahn, who has 39 rebounds on the season, or 9.75 per game. Mark this down as the most idiotic, ill-informed, poop-tacular false statement ever made by a pumpkin-headed ninny-muggins.

Troy - Helping his team get to 2-2 on the season, Troy finished with 6 points, 5 rebounds, and a couple blocks. His shooting slump continues, but if he keeps his focus, all slumps end. He's getting good open shots; it's just a matter of putting the ball through the rim. To use an analogy he may be familiar with, all he has to do is knock-down shots like he knocked-up his wife: get your man-cannon lined up with the hole and put your ball(s) deep inside that mesh netting. Then smoke a cigarette and wash your wiener off in the sink.