Week Three Player Reports

Luke – Luke extended his hot start to the season, putting up his second straight double-double with 16 points and 11 rebounds. However, despite Luke’s efforts, his team looked offensively challenged yet again. Light green will have a difficult time making the playoffs if they plan on having 10 minute scoring droughts in every game. Luke played well, even adding 4 assists, but it’s beyond obvious that other players will have to step up and draw some of that defensive focus away from him. He’s not the type of offensive powerhouse you can hitch the entire wagon to. This is a fact.

Dave Troy – While he seemed more engaged in the action of the game, evidenced by his 7 rebounds and 2 assists, Troy had a dreadful shooting performance in Week Two. His confidence clearly shaken, he looked like a virgin at a gangbang, unsure of when to step in and take his turn. He’ll need to find his comfort zone quickly, however, because his team needs his scoring. He finished with 5 points, well below his career average of 10.2 ppg. So, he’s shown himself as a capable offensive presence and should be able to produce at a higher level than he is at the moment. But he’ll need to get it going quick, though, because Light Green is already 0-2.

Rob – His tummy fully healed, and wanting to take advantage of Mark’s Bye to try and snag a Player of the Week, Rob went off on Luke, Troy, and Team Slime. He exploded for 33 points, 21 rebounds, 6 assists, and even added in a block for good measure. Most importantly, Team Orange Crud recovered from their 0-2 start with a convincing win. The competition wasn’t up to snuff, but a win is a win and they seem to have at least stopped the bleeding. Rob was obviously a big part of that in Week Three, racking up his second career 20+ point/20+ rebound game and also accomplishing the first 30+ point/ 20+ rebound game in HatchetBall history. Impressive numbers to be certain, but Rob’s team still stands at 1-2. Don’t get cocky, StarFox.

Matt Koll – Admittedly, Team Sky Blue does look different at full force. With some shooters to rely upon (other than that old saggy bag of shit Matt V), Matt K’s strategy of deferring at all costs is once again a viable strategy (as it was last year alongside Mark). Light Blue pulled away nicely from Dark Blue and Matt did his part, grabbing 12 rebounds, dishing out 5 assists, and swatting 1 block. But while all may seem well in Vitalianoville, it can’t be a good sign that Matt Koll got skunked for zero points. They need him to score. Especially when his full team isn’t there, but it wouldn’t hurt to toss in a few buckets even when they are.

Matt V – Old Florence Nightgown had a “Troy-esque” night shooting the ball, only managing 3 points, 4 rebounds, and 3 assists. After just three weeks, it’s clear that Matt V’s inevitable decline due to old age has come fast and furious. He’s averaging just 4 ppg and the only thing lower than his field goal percentage is his dangling ballsack (which is fully submerged in the toilet water at this point). It won’t be long until Matt V takes up Beave’s position as a player/coach, coaching much more than he plays. Besides, you heard it hear first, when his full roster is there, Matt V should NOT be starting. This is also a fact.