Week Two Player Reports

Dave Troy - Troy picked up right where he left off last season, knocking down open three pointers and...not doing much else. In his sophomore season debut, Troy finished with 14 points and 4 three-pointers, but only snagged 1 rebound and 1 assist on a team that badly needs rebounders and playmakers. Most plays, it seemed like Troy was playing Hot Potato with Luke, while they both struggled over who wanted the ball less. Troy has to find a way to get more involved at both ends of the court or Team Sprite will find themselves falling short in close games, just like they did in Week Two.

Luke - The only thing slimmer than Luke right now is his team's playoff chances. His team seems content to run the offense through him in the high post, and in certain basketball circumstances, this wouldn't be a problem. However, HatchetBall is played on a grammar school court with old men who are bloated like drowned corpses. There just isn't a lot of room to work. It's much easier to use perimeter swings and skip passes to find open shots. That being said, Luke did his part, gathering 10 points, 12 rebounds, and 3 assists. He registered his third career double-double and set personal bests for free throws attempted (9) and free throws made (6). To put that in perspective, coming into this game, Luke only had 28 made free throws in his career, which means that he matched 21% of his career total in one game. Kudos to him, but without a ball-handler and some competent wing players, it's hard to imagine his team being much of a factor in the playoff picture, let alone contend for the championship.

Matt Koll - Week Two was a great opportunity for Team Powder Blue. While there was much complaining from their faggot captain about their players "never showing up" and how "under-manned" they were, a lack of players is also an opportunity to step up and elevate your production. In other words, Matt Koll should have used the lack of scorers on his team as an excuse to take more shots. Unfortunately, he reverted to his old tentative habits and looked to pass first. But that's the thing: there is no one to pass to on this team. Matt finished with a season-high 17 rebounds and snatched his first blocked shot of the season, but with only 5 points, you'd have to say that, despite his efforts, this game was a bit of a letdown for him.

Matt Vitaliano - Old Fag V looked worse than usual out there. Again, with such a thin roster, Matt V could have exploded for 20+ in this game quite easily (God knows he took enough shots). But, as the common sports saying goes: "High-pressure moments don't build character, they reveal it." Which is to say, you are either ready for the moment or you're not. Matt V is clearly not ready to assume the role of primary scorer (primary school rapist, maybe). When the load falls on his shoulders (unless it's a slobbery man-load), he tends to shrink up and play his worst. He finished with 6 points, 3 rebounds, and 2 assists, which confirms two things for me. First, that his 10 rebound effort in Week One was an absolute fluke. Two, that Matt V is like the opposite of wine: the more time that passes, the less he is worth.

Ryan Drish - Ostensibly, Week Two should be cause of great celebration for Drish. He doubled his rebound total (2) compared to Week One and scored his first two points of the season. At that rate of improvement (twice as many rebounds and points), by Week Twelve, Drish would be scoring 2,048 points and grabbing 2,048 rebounds. While that seems a bit unrealistic, there were some positives for Drish to build upon. He seemed to cut down on his airballs (though not by much) and solidified his position on the team as "slightly better than Pat Ash". Speaking of Pat Ash, when Drish and him were working together at the top of the zone on defense, I couldn't help but be reminded of the scene in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest when Jack Nicholson is teaching the retards to play basketball. "Hit me, Chief! I got the moves!"

Mark - Up against a more legitimate defensive scheme, Mark faced much more resistance than he did in Team Brown's Week One blowout. That being said, he still poured in 29 points, grabbed 8 rebounds, and hit a clutch game winner with 2 seconds left to pull his team to 2-0 on the season. "Have mercy," the peasants begged of him. A darkness flickered across his eyes and he shook his head no.

Jerry - While being far from his breakout game, Jerry ended with 9 points, 9 rebounds, and 4 assists in the win. More importantly, he had a couple key buckets down the stretch when the game seemed to be slipping away from Team Brown. It's little things like those clutch shots that may help him find that powerful mix of reckless abandon (which makes him such an effective rebounder) and confidence (which would make him an effective scorer). But as of now, he's been a major contributor and one of the main reasons his team is undefeated. The question is how he will respond when a close game demands him doing something he isn't comfortable with. Can he hit those clutch free throws? Can he hit that wide-open three when his team needs it? Can drive to the basketball without a spin move? Only time will tell...

Rob Knapczyk - Seemingly embarrassed by his Week One defeat, Rob came out strong in Week Two, finishing at the rim and getting to the line early and often. His team finally seems to have gotten the message that the ball needs to be in his hands to get quality offensive chances. That being said, Rob's team lost again and has run their record to 0-2. It's best to look at your HatchetBall season like you might a Fantasy Football season. The schedule is short; if you dig yourself a hole, it's tough to get out. No one is claiming that Rob's team might be in danger of missing the playoffs, but they also don't seem like the type of team that is going to blow anybody out. Therefore, losing close games is a serious problem. Rob did his part with 39 points and 12 rebounds (capturing his 14th career double-double), but the fact remains that his team is 0-2. He might have to do even more to get those Ws. In other news, Robs career total points stands at 779, while Mark trails with 752 (both have played exactly 27 games). The race to 1,000 points is on. Who will get there first?