Week Thirteen Player Reports

Luke - Slugging through the last half of the season, Luke looks a bit slower, a bit sweatier, and a whole lot shittier. His stats took a total nose-dive in Week Thirteen: just 6 points and 6 rebounds. Both were season lows. If Team Green has ANY plans to make some noise in the playoffs, they better get this Greek Geek in gear. Perhaps the return of Troy will inspire this young Athenian.

Troy - Showing some obvious rust after returning from a month long absence, it was still good to see Troy in action at the FishBowl. He would be an integral part of those aforementioned, flimsy playoff hopes that Team Green may have. We'll give him a little leeway on this stinker of a game (2 points, 3 rebounds, 1 assist), because I'm sure he's exhausted from the Jizz Fest work retreat.

Jerry - While he did snag another double-double (his fifth of the season) with 13 points and 11 rebounds, Jerry was part of a losing effort in Week Thirteen. And while Team Brown could make plenty of excuses about the players they are doing without, there is no excuse to lose to Matt V. Matt V's normal pee smells like asparagus pee. His asparagus pee smells like pussy juice. And his pussy smells like raw hamburger meat. Somehow, Brown is 0-2 against this fucking idiot. Go figure.

Mark - While his stat line remained strong (especially from the line, where he went 9-10), it was clear that Brown was slightly overmatched by the depth of Team Cloud. It's going to take some top performances from Mark and Jerry to keep Brown on top. These run-of-the-mill performances where they match their averages just aren't going to cut it. While 26 points, 14 rebounds, 2 assists, and 1 block seems nice...it's really just Mark's averages. And in the playoffs, he's going to have to produce at a higher level. Otherwise, they might lose to that cocksucker in the sweatband and the gay socks again.

Matt K - While his main contribution was solid defense, Matt registered double-digit rebounds and managed 4 assists in Week Thirteen. His stats have seen a steady decline since his explosion in Week Eight, but it's important to note that his team has played much better as of late. So...boring stats lead to wins? Maybe.

Matt V - This stinky little nincompoop played his stinky little heart out in Week Thirteen, which basically entails nothing more than him waiting at the perimeter like a turd that won't flush. He didn't do much (just 6 points and 6 rebounds - where have we seen that stat line before? How embarrassing for Luke...) but seeing as though his team is only one that can claim they beat Brown, and they did it TWICE, the old stink bomb is showing that he knows a thing or two about drafting a team. He certainly knows nothing about actually helping that team, but it's possible he knows how to draft players to win for him. Which is more than most are willing to say about him.

Rob - Basically on cruise control until the playoffs, with their #2 seed all but guaranteed, Rob put up another solid effort with 34 points, 10 rebounds, and 5 assists. He finally hit a free throw or two as well. At least, that's what I'm told. Which everyone was pretty stoked about, considering we didn't have to listen to him cry off the court like a 12 year old girl who just found out the Bieber concert was sold out and at that show only, Justin promised to lick the hairless beaver of every girl in attendance.