Week Twelve Player Reports

Mark – With three-fourths of the season through, Mark yet again has his team on top. Week Twelve was a particularly poignant reminder of his HatchetBall dominance. A frantic Team Orange was gunning for him with an elaborate defensive system, his team lost a starter to a broken foot, and he was up against the league’s leading scorer (Rob). How did Mark respond? He put up 17 points, 12 rebounds, 4 assists, and 2 blocks to lead his team to an easy 20 point victory. He should have easily neared triple-double territory (if his teammates could find a way to finish a wide open lay-up for him), but statistical considerations notwithstanding, Week Twelve had to be a wake up call to all those who thought the distance between Team Brown and the field was a surmountable gap. Rob’s team will very likely win out the rest of their schedule and coast to the 2^nd seed and the other first round bye in the playoffs…and Brown beat them by 20. This season might have been over before it even began.

Jerry – Riding shotgun to Mark, Jerry’s gritty play was the ultimate factor pushing this primetime matchup into a lopsided blowout. I think Rob and his fellow fatties on Team Orange realized just how hard they would have to battle against Jerry to keep the game close, decided it was not worth it, and started fantasizing about McDonald’s adding a 100-piece chicken nugget meal to their menu. Jerry’s numbers were steady once again: 12 points, 14 rebounds, and 6 assists. Basking in the glow of Mark’s effortless excellence, Jerry seems focused on snagging his first HatchetBall championship.

Rob – Rob started strong in Week Twelve, working hard against Brown’s pathetic zone and getting easy buckets. But there was a noticeable drop off in the second half as he deferred to his teammates much more than he should have (or those chicken nuggets were finally taking their toll). His numbers seem good on paper, with 27 points and 7 rebounds, but by his standards, this game was a real turd for Rob. In addition, it’s telling that Rob only shot 1 free throw (and even that was a questionable And-1 call). With the swarming speed of Team Brown, I think Rob found it hard to get near the basket in the half court. Sure, his team needs to help him out more; however, you don’t win championships whining about your teammates’ lack of effort. You win championships by getting more out of your teammates than they ever could have gotten out of themselves.

Luke – Ever since Troy went on this extended business trip, Green has looked very questionable as a playoff contender. Sure, Outlet and Lumberjack are nothing to write home about, but Luke’s chances seem to be fading fast. He has a tough schedule the rest of the way and their offense looks more pathetic than ever. To make things worse, Luke’s breakthrough of a year, post his yearlong effort to “un-blimp”, seems to have stalled in a big way. In Week 12, Luke put up just 8 points and 11 rebounds. No assists. No blocks. Only 1-2 spin moves. That just won’t get it done. Green will have to get their shit together quickly, or Luke will be relegated to videographer for the entirety of the post-season.

Matt K – Speaking of regression, after weeks of continued, some would say shocking improvement, Matt had a tough go of it in Week Twelve and managed just 5 points, 6 rebounds, and 3 assists. He did secure 3 blocked shots and shoot his first free throws of the season (of course missing them both), but this stat line hearkens back to the first half of the season, when his stat line was closer to Beave’s than it was to a first round pick’s. That being said, Team Anti-Freeze grabbed a big win over Team Freeze and their playoff hopes are up-sloping quickly. And, though he didn’t have his best game in Week Twelve, Matt is still a big reason why.

Matt V – Speaking of Anti-Freeze, please go drink some you miserable old fuck. (13 points, 4 three-pointers, 4 rebounds).