Week Ten Player Reports

Mark - Team Poo Stink continued their dominant run, led by Mark's 29 points and 14 rebounds. The win pushed Brown's record to 6-1 on the year, and they are a perfect 6-0 with Mark in the lineup. Will anyone give them a serious challenge? In other news, Mark went 10-11 from the free throw line in Week Ten, pushing his season total to 26-28, good for an unheard of 92.8% on the year. Somewhere Rob is softly crying himself into a sloppy orgasm of shame and despair...

Jerry - "Send it in" Jerome kept the steady course and put together another solid effort. His shots are falling and he's finally finishing on fast breaks. If you add in his rebounding (and his Jeremy Lin haircut) you've got a serious competitor to deal with. Jerry ended up with 14 points, 9 rebounds, and 3 assists; which is a completely typical game for Hahn.

Matt K - I'm not sure if he switched to Diet semen or stopped gobbling loads altogether, but something has definitely changed in Matt's demeanor over the last couple weeks. He put up another huge game: 13 points, 23 rebounds, 8 assists, and 2 blocks. But as impressive as those numbers are, and how important it was that his team stopped the bleeding and pulled their record to 3-5, the most critical event from Week Ten was PAT ASH GETTING BUCKETS! Never. Ever. Did I think I'd EVER write that sentence. I'd have sooner thought I'd write the sentence, "just go ahead and chop off my dick, I have a soccer game to get to."

Matt V - Playing possum for most of the week leading up to Week Ten, Matt V's supposed "serious ankle injury" mysteriously healed by Thursday night and he put together his best performance of the season, hitting 7 threes and dishing out 3 assists. But in his usual scumbag fashion, his ankle wasn't an issue strictly BECAUSE his shots were falling. If he had sent up a dozen bricks (like he has every other game this season) you better believe he'd be limping out of the FishBowl on those fold-away crutches he keeps stored in his gym bag. Matt V has more splints and bandages and medical muck in his bag than a Civil War amputee.

Rob - Old whiney Knapczyk was back to his curmudgeonly ways, getting visibly rattled as the crowd tore into his delicate psyche. It isn't clear exactly why Rob was so upset, seeing as though he finished with a strong 23 points, 17 rebounds, 5 assists, and his team won. Oh wait! He missed a career-high FIVE free throws, going a miserable 3-8 from the line. Nice shooting Matt Koll. Sack up, too. HatchetBall is a cruel mistress, but she's the only mistress we got. If you find yourself getting a little hot under the collar, just do what everyone else does and take it out on Roz.