Week One Player Reports

 

 

Matt Koll – Anyone who saw Matt’s first game of the season would agree that he has stepped into this season with a new scoring mentality.  But while he seemed much more willing to take shots in the loss (and looked relatively confident doing so), his team needs him to do more than take shots; they need him to make shots.  He finished with strong numbers: 8 points, 13 rebounds, 6 assists, and 1 block.  However, if he plans on making a run at a three-peat, he’ll need to stop pulling up on his drives and getting stuck in the air (resulting in some pathetic, pussy floater), and start taking it all the way to the tin to get some easy buckets and some freebies at the line.  Baby Blue’s roster is rather depleted of talent (see below), so Matt will have to shoulder the weight if they are to make any noise this year.

 

Matt Vitaliano – Coming into the 2012-2013 season, one would have thought Matt V had run out of ways to embarrass himself.  Then we see him stroll on to the court looking older and more pathetic than ever, wearing what amounted to an elderly woman’s nightgown.  Matt V made only one field goal the entire game (finishing with just 3 points), despite hoisting up well over ten shots.  He did gather 10 rebounds and 3 assists, but after an entire off-season spent swearing up and down that he would pick a better team this year and redeem himself, losing the season opener to a less-than-spectacular Red Team shows what a failure he really is.  It may be only one week into the new season, but I’d say that his chances of missing the playoffs for the second straight year are quite high.  Let’s just put it this way: you have a better chance of winning the PowerBall than Matt V does of looking like a legitimate athlete.

 

Ryan Drish – While Drish certainly didn’t have the rookie debut he might have hoped for (filling the stat sheet with nothing more than a paltry rebound), at least he was able to provide some entertainment for the crowd.  Each airball he sent whirring towards the stage was a real treat.  But what can you really expect out of a guy who’s most recent basketball tutelage was accrued from Oak Lawn High School?  I’d rather suck a tranny’s dick than admit I played basketball for Oak Lawn.  I’d rather drink a Big Gulp filled with Matt V’s ass-acne than admit I played basketball for Oak Lawn.  I’d rather get donkey-punched by an actual donkey than admit I played basketball for Oak Lawn.  I’d rather…well you get the idea.  I’d rather do just about anything than admit I played basketball at that mentally-handicapped school of scrotum-less scum-buckets.

 

Mark Koll – OW NOW BROWN COW!  This season, it would appear Jordan has gotten his Pippen.  Or, Mark is playing like Jordan and Pippen COMBINED.  Barely breaking a sweat, Mark piled up 35 points, 7 rebounds, and 2 assists as the Brown Team cruised to an easy slaughter of Team Green.  I don’t like to talk in absolutes or make bold predictions, but: THE BROWN TEAM WILL GO UNDEFEATED THIS SEASON AND CRUISE TO AN EASY CHAMPIONSHIP.  Suck on that pud-pullers.

 

Jerry – Strangely, as Jerry himself would tell you, he did not play well in the season opener, which should strike fear into the hearts of the other teams, because if Brown can win so easily with one of its best players having difficulty finishing at the rim, imagine how hard it will be to beat Brown when Jerry is playing his best ball.  It’s not that Jerry had a bad game (piling up 13 rebounds and 3 assists), it’s just that with 3 missed free throws and only 7 points total, there’s a ton of room for improvement.  Matt V is pissing his nightgown already…

 

Rob Knapczyk – The irritable bowels Rob suffered through in his season opening loss may be an omen of things to come.  If I had to stomach another year without a championship, I wouldn’t feel too great either.  Rob put up decent numbers under the circumstances – 21 points, 8 rebounds, 4 assists – but it was telling that in a close game the ball wasn’t in his hands down the stretch.  I get an eerie feeling that Rob may plan on tanking this season entirely so as to lower his draft stock and get paired with a better 2nd-Rounder.  Keep an eye on him…those Polacks are shifty.