Week Nine Player Reports

Matt V: Put up a focused effort in Week Nine - focused towards being ineffective. At times I feel like it's pointless for him even to be out there. Perhaps one week we can put an expired jar of pickles on the court and see if there is any noticeable difference between the stinky pickles and Matt V's old saggy dick. Matt V put up 13 points and 5 rebounds, but the real story here is that he FINALLY shot two free throws. And he made them. Though, no one ever claimed that Matt V was a bad free throw shooter, it was more that we just didn't know. This also is a good opportunity to make it clear that to qualify for free throw records, a player must shoot at least 12 in a season, or 1 per game. That's fair enough, and we all know Matt V won't get there. I'm certainly not going to be happy writing 100% next to his name after he never shoots another free throw for the rest of the season, but it's comforting to know he won't make the record books. Fuck 'em.

Luke: Luke worked his ass off in Week Nine to get a much needed win over Rob's Team Sunny Delight. He pulled down 13 big rebounds and had a season-high three blocks. He may have only scored 4 points, which is beyond pathetic, but after the convincing win, there isn't much room to criticize Luke. Oh wait, yes there is: he's a big sweaty ape.

Rob: Putting up his worst game of the season by far, Rob only managed 18 points and 6 rebounds. Once again, Rob put up a big goose egg in the assist column. In addition, after 12 attempts in Week Eight, Rob didn't shoot a single free throw. I attribute Rob's poor performance to menstrual cramps or Luke's team being better than we thought. Because the latter isn't a possibility, I'm going to have to settle on period bloating as the culprit of Rob's ineffectiveness.

Jerry: Jerry FINALLY followed through on his New Year's prediction, though he's a month late, and eclipsed his projected goal of 20 and 12 by piling up 21 points and 15 rebounds. Add 5 assists to those totals and Jerry far and away had the best performance of the week. Unfortunately, Team Green River lost their fifth game in a row. If Jerry puts up those numbers and the team still loses, you have to think that they are cursed in someway: perhaps by an aging, closeted gay named Matt V. In more positive news, Jerry is the Week nine Player of the Week, an award I will be giving out from now on. In fairness, I've gone through the rest of this season and picked the top performers from each week. I think it will be cool to keep track of these awards like the NBA has player of the Week and Month and so on.

Here's how the season looks so far for Players of the Week:

Week One: Mark Koll Week Two: Rob Knapczyk

Week Three: Rob Knapczyk Week Four: Mark Koll

Week Five: Mark Koll Week Six: Rob Knapczyk

Week Seven: Matt Koll Week Eight: Mark Koll

Week Nine: Jerry Hahn