Week
Eight and Mid-Season Reports
Mark Koll
- Leading his team to a furious 4-0 start, putting up gaudy numbers,
Mark
definitely came into this season ready to go, big-dick slangin',
and stompin' on fools.
His prolific production - two 40-point
performances in those first four wins - was quelled somewhat by
defenses
forcing the ball out of his hands with vigorous double teams. Mark's numbers are still solid, with 31.6 ppg, 8.5 rbg, 4.5
three pointers
per game, and shooting a league-best 82% from the free throw line. Mark's assist totals should have skyrocketed
with teams allowing wide-open shots to stop him from crushing them, but
his
teammates have thus far not answered the bell.
Mark's first half of the season is very similar to Kobe Bryant
and the 2012
Lakers. Sure, at times it seems like
he's doing too much and should depend on his team a little more, but
when he
does, you see the pathetic result his team musters and think to
yourself,
"Just shoot it
Matt Koll - Playing the roll of defensive juggernaut and rebound machine, Matt put up several nice performances in the first half of the season, and currently leads the league in rebounding at 11.4 per game. He was a big reason the red team got off to its 4-0 start. But Matt's offensive hesitancy has been exploited in the past couple games and he will need to be much more assertive, not just shooting, but attacking the basket and setting his teammates up for easy buckets. At 8 points a game, Matt is less of a scoring threat than Matt V, which is a sad fact, because Matt V is mostly composed of estrogen and his purse is filled with pussy wipes. Matt's first half is most similar to Joakim Noah, averaging almost a double-double per game, and you know the effort is there, but you want that offensive efficiency that would take his game to the next level. Best Game: Week Seven. Matt put up his season high with 14 points and also added 9 rebounds, 3 assists, and 3 blocks. His 3 three-pointers were a career high, and if he shot with that confidence every game, his scoring will skyrocket. Worst Game: Week Eight. With 12 rebounds, 5 assists, and 2 blocks, Week Eight should have been a good effort from Matt, but by putting up only 2 points, he severely limited the chances of his team. He needs to get between 10-15 points a night for his team to compete: they simply don't have any offensive depth passed Mark. Projection: Matt K's scoring has nowhere to go but up, but expect his rebound and assist numbers to stay steady. It's entirely possible that he could get to 12 three-pointers on the season. Final Record: 8-4
Matt V - The prissy
little
princess currently leads the league in nothing but the longest losing
streak,
dropping four straight after starting 2-0.
His stats are mostly embarrassing, but let's go over them for
fun. Averaging less than ten points a game
puts him
as third worst in the league. He does
have 12 three-pointers on the year, but because that's really all he
does, that
number is embarrassingly low, especially when you consider 95% of his
field
goal attempts are from three-point territory and he shoots over ten
shots a
game. He is dead last in rebounds and
free throws made. Though it is tough for
Matt V to make free throws, seeing as though he HASN'T ATTEMPTED ONE
ALL
YEAR! His five assists and two blocks
(TOTAL!)
also place him among the league's worst.
Matt V is most like Carlos Delfino,
a player who
hangs around the perimeter looking like he doesn't belong on the court,
taking
far too many three pointers and shooting way more than he should. Best Game: Week Six. It's
hard to pick a
Luke A. - Luke came into this Hatchetball season in the best shape of his life, which isn't saying much. You can tell from the massive sweat stains on his shirt every week that he gives his all and those bruises on his knees aren't from giving blowjobs, but are from diving after loose balls like a gorilla that escaped from the zoo. Unfortunately, Luke ended up on a team of fat-bodies that don't pass the ball and don't play together. Luke is at over 10 points a game and is only two rebounds (total) shy of averaging a double-double. He's even been able to nail 6 three-pointers on the year and has a league-leading 7 blocks, which is good for over 1 per game. But Luke isn't even averaging two assists a game, barely ahead of the pathetic Matt V. Plus, Luke has struggled mightily at the free throw line. Averaging over three attempts a game, and shooting a miserable 40%, Luke has left a lot of points at the line. But to reiterate, no one can hold a candle to Luke in the quantity and quality of his sweat stains. And hey, you gotta be the best at something. Luke's numbers put him somewhere near Kris Humphries, the toad-faced douche-bag everyone loves to hate. Best Game: Week One. Luke started the season strong, with 12 points, 12 rebounds, and 4 assists - good for his only double-double of the season. Worst Game: Week Two. This was a close call because Luke's games have been so consistent, but with only 7 points, 11 rebounds, and an awful 1-5 from the line, this was probably Luke's worst game by a small margin. Projection: Luke will have to find some chemistry with his team, as he relies upon other people to help him score, but if he can do so, his scoring average might creep over 12. His jumper is improved, and his free throw percentage can't get any worse, so expect some extra points from made three pointers and freebies at the charity stripe. His rebounding will stay steady, but I do expect him to end up averaging over two assists game, as it would be ridiculous not to do so. Final Record: 4-8
Rob Knapczyk - Rob came out like a battle-ax this season piling up games of 33, 37, and 37 the first three weeks of the season. His league leading scoring average rests at 33 a night, which so far is shattering the record of 27 ppg. Rob is also hitting 3.5 threes a game and can lay claim to being the only player in the league average a double-double. At 33 and 10, there isn't much to complain about Rob's game. But there are cracks under the surface. Rob's assists totals are way down from last year, averaging only 2.5 a game, and his 1 block on the year leaves him dead last in the league. A lesser man might claim that Rob has gone selfish this year, refusing to pass to his teammates or play any help-side defense, but that man is not me. Rob's team has a solid 4-2 record and that is much to his credit. Rob is most like Kevin Durant, who has all the flash and glamour, but none of the heart or grit to take down a title. When push comes to shove, Rob likely will need a new pair of shorts and a garbage can to dispose of the urine-soaked pair. Best Game: Week Five. Putting up his lowest point total of the season, Rob also put together his most complete game with 23 points, a HatchetBall record 21 rebounds, and 5 assists. Worst Game: Week Two. While he piled up 37 points, those in attendance knew this was mostly due to some of his worst ball-hogging to date. With only 6 rebounds, 2 assists, and 4 missed free throws, the 37 points were nothing more than a product of shooting until his arms were tired. Projection: With teams clamping down, it's likely Rob's scoring output will dip a bit, but I expect it to hover above 30. Aided by stat-tampering loser Matt V, it's also likely that Rob will end the season averaging a double-double. Final Record: 9-3
Jerry Hahn - Jerry
quickly
figured out things are different away from the Hahnlot. His numbers have been steady, averaging close
to 10 points a game, almost 10 rebounds a game, and is the
second-highest
assist man in the league, with over 3.5 a game.
But if you see a re-occurring theme there, it's that Jerry's
efforts are
almost good enough. For
his team to succeed, with the hefty
disadvantage of having Matt V on the squad, Jerry will have to step up
and come
through on his New Year's prediction of 20 points and 12 rebounds per
game. Jerry is shooting a respectable 72%
from the free throw line, in fact the same exact percentage as Rob, and
he
should focus on getting to the line to increase his offensive numbers. Getting out on the break would help Hahn, if
he wasn't also burdened with the task of getting all the defensive
rebounds. In addition, Jerry only has 5
made three pointers this season. While
shooting isn't his strong point, he has no choice to hoist them up,
especially
if that means Matt V will shoot less.
Jerry should be willing to take a bullet in the spine to make
Matt V
shoot less. Jerry is most like Sean
Marion in his prime: a hard working, loose-ball snagging, combo guard
who is
better on the offensive end than it seems.
As with
Dave Troy: The other
rookie
this season had a rough go of it early, but once he cracked the
starting line
up, his numbers went up. But for all of
his drives to the basket,