Week
Five Player Reports
Mark: Dominance. Plain and simple. The red team moves its record to 4-0 behind Mark's superhuman effort, dropping 40 points and snagging 19 rebounds.
Matt V: No one was surprised that Matt V's team lost, but some were shocked at the stat production he put up in week five. He not only grabbed his first assist of the season, he even managed a block shot. His seven rebounds were also a career high. You'd think Matt V's fine performance would be the talk of the league, but alas, his dickheaded ways came back to bite him. Matt V was caught telling a player about their stats while that player was still playing. This is stat tampering. What a scumbag.
Rob: The beneficiary of Matt V's scumbag move, Rob snagged the rebound record with 21, but you have to wonder if he would have gone after those last two rebounds, or even been on the court still, if Matt V didn't tell him how many rebounds he had. The record stands, but I'd caution Rob not to lump himself in with questionable characters like Matt V.
Luke: Luke's team briefly came out of the cellar to see the sun, but I'm sure it blinded his eyes and he will quickly be returning to the bottom ranks of the league - where he belongs. Luke put up an average performance with 9 and 8, with another block to add to his league leading total of 6. Yet, Luke also missed another free throw and sits at a miserable 3 for 13 on the year. Sometimes, when the horse has run its last race, you take it out behind the barn and shoot it in the head. I'd recommend similar treatment of Luke.
Jerry: Jerry put up strong numbers with 14, 11, and 8 - just two assists shy of a triple double. Unfortunately, Matt V wasn't on the sideline to tell him how many assists he had, so Jerry was unable to cheat and go balls out for those last two assists. Even worse, Matt V is on his team. Poor Jerry.