Week
Sixteen and
Regular Season Report
Mark - The league's MVP had a strong season that was a marked improvement from last year. There was a brief mid-season lull, in which Mark had a personal four game losing streak, but bookending that dry spell with such impressive play in the beginning and end of the season served his team well and Mark was able to led the team (Hi-C Cherry) to a 8-4 record and a #1 seed. Mark set career highs in points (30.8 ppg), assists (3.5 apg), and free throw percentage (83.7%). Superhero Alter-Ego: Superman. As fast as a speeding bullet and as strong as an ox, Mark is so good that some suspect he may be from a distant planet. But what is his kryptonite? As of yet, there appears to be none.
Matt K - Matt holds the most impressive record of anyone, by finishing two straight regular seasons on the best team in the league. But can he make it two straight championships as well? The magic 8-ball says, "All signs point to yes." The 8-ball also volunteered some unsolicited information about Matt V being a pussy. Matt's numbers were some of the most consistent when compared back to last year. A couple categories dipped slightly, points (8.5ppg down to 7 pgg) and blocks (1.125 bpg down to 1 bpg), and a couple increased slightly, rebounds (9.75 rpb up to 10.18 rpg) and assists (4.37 apg up to 5 apg). The biggest improvement Matt made this year was at the free throw line. While he only shot a miserable 47%, that is exactly 47 points higher than the previous year, when he shot a fantastic 0%. Strangely, Matt didn't manage a single steal all year long, but that could possibly be due to the fact that we eliminated that stat. Superhero Altar-Ego: The Riddler. At times it's absolutely puzzling why Matt doesn't take more shots or attack the basket on a consistent basis. Still, his team track record speaks for itself. It's an enigma, just like the Riddler (Edward Nigma), but you shouldn't fix what isn't broken.
Matt V - The smelly old dung pile outdid himself this year, putting up embarrassing performances all season long and missing the playoffs for the first time in his 25 year HatchetBall career. Compared to last season, he dropped in three pointers (34 down to 30) and assists (22 down to 10). While he did get off his lazy ass and actually grab some rebounds (46 up from 21) and finally recorded the first block of his career (ending with 4), his team (Hi-C Sour Blast) mostly suffered from his contributions and there were season-long whispers of a Jerry Hahn led mutiny in which they would wrap Matt V in gauze, stuff him in a sarcophagus, and set him adrift in the Artic Ocean. While that threat was never actualized, there is no doubt Matt V looks like a mummy ready for the afterlife. Enjoy watching the postseason from the stands poopy pants. Superhero Altar-Ego: Ace, from the Ambiguously Gay Duo. This was a tough call, as Matt V is not ambiguously gay. He's DEFINITIVELY gay.
Luke - After shedding the weight of a large mountain lion, Luke's numbers increased dramatically almost across the board. He set career highs in points (9.64 ppg), three pointers (8), rebounds (8.45 rpb), and blocks (16). His wretched 50% from the free throw line was even a major improvement over his 30% of a year ago. It remains to be seen if Luke can keep up his production in the postseason, as his team (Hi-C Berry Blue) has tended to far better when he does less. Superhero Altar-Ego: Post-Liposuction Blob. NOTHING CAN MOVE THE BLOB!
Rob - Putting up another solid season, Rob was well deserving of his number one overall draft pick status. Unfortunately, most of his stats dropped from last year. His scoring went up (from 27.4 ppg to 30.3 ppg), but he dropped in three pointers (35 to 31), rebounds (111 to 110), assists (56 to 29), and free throw percentage (78.5% to 74.7%). Save for assists, none of these were huge drops though, so Rob's season can be considered pretty typical of his abilities. His team (Hi-C Urine) drops into the playoffs with a .500 record and they will be looking to make some noise after not getting much respect all season long. If Rob's team wins, he likely will be talking about how good they have been all along. If they lose, he will likely bitch until the end of time about how terrible his team was all along. Superhero Altar-Ego: Nightcrawler. Rob has the same Eastern European ancestry as Nightcrawler and also shares his penchant for spiritualism. Plus, just as Rob tries to hit on girls downtown, Nightcrawler used to try to mack on Jubilee, and Jubilee didn't want no part of that. Just like those downtown girls Rob can never seem to get. The biggest similarity between Rob and Nightcrawler is that they both have blue testicles.
Jerry - Jerry put in a workmanlike season, but it just wasn't enough in the long run to get his team into the playoffs. Look for Jerry to get on a better squad (one without Matt V) and expect things to turn around. Jerry's inaugural season was at least to earn him Rookie of the Year honors. Superhero Altar-Ego: The Raccoon. Scurried little rodent clawing through the garbage. Get away from me little rodent! You look like a burglar!