Week Fifteen

Mark – Mark is back to his old ways, dominating the league and locking up his MVP award. Not that there is an award, but let me tell you, if there was, he’d be sleeping with it all summer, nestling it up nice and close to his sweaty ballsack until his scrotum skin sticks to the chrome. Mark dropped 40 points, grabbed 10 rebounds, and even threw in 3 assists for shits and giggles. All hail the King.

Matt K – Matt put up a little bit of a turd game in Week Fifteen, with 5 points, 3 rebounds, and 5 assists. In a heartbreaker, Matt also missed his only free throw of the game, dragging his season percentage under 50%. We all had high hopes that Matt might turn it around this year and not be so abysmal at the line, but alas, he couldn’t even make half of his attempts. There’s always next year. And there’s always therapy to get over social anxiety disorder.

Rob – Rob put up a strong effort, getting his team a much needed win against team green, knocking them out of the playoffs. For this noble deed, Rob may have earned the nickname “The Finisher” – but that sounds too cool for Rob, so we won’t be calling him that. Rob had 25 big points, 9 rebounds, and went 9 for 10 from the line. Impressive game, impressive win…against an unimpressive team.

Jerry – Giving perhaps his biggest effort of the season, Jerry put up big numbers in Week Fifteen with 11 points, 17 rebounds, 5 assists, and 1 block. Though he got stuck on a stinker of a team this year, the league surely has noticed his tenacity and he will likely be a first round pick next year. Hopefully he will get drafted by a captain worth a damn.

Matt V – Matt V might have put up his most embarrassing effort to date. To call him a pussy is to give pussies all over the world a bad name. His basketball skills are as useless as his corroded liver. He is just an old, shriveled-up geezer with no future and no hope. Matt hit a couple of threes…and that’s about it for Week Fifteen. He managed one rebound. ONE REBOUND. No assists. No attempted free throws. No blocks. Burn in hell you miserable old fuck.