Week Thirteen Player Reports

Mark - In a sluggish performance, Mark still almost managed a triple-double, with 18 points, 8 rebounds, and 7 assists. On a personal four game losing streak, Mark will need to match his early season production to make his team a force in the playoffs.

Matt K - A varied and determined effort from Matt in Week Thirteen, scoring 8 points, snatching 13 boards, and dishing out 6 assists. But after nailing 2 early three pointers, Matt all but disappeared from the scoring column for the rest of the game. The worth of his game will be judged by what scoring he can muster when the game is tight and his team is playing poorly, as his contributions are essential to the success of the red team. He needs to play like Joakim Noah in the last month or so, not Joakim Noah from the first month of the season. If you don't understand that analogy, you're not enough of a Bulls fan and I hate you.

Matt V - Feasting off the success of his teammates, Matt "Three Feet of Scrotum" Vitaliano knocked down the shots that came to him. When his team isn't shooting as well as they did in Week Thirteen, Matt V will not get those wide open shots, but kudos for taking advantage of the situation. While he still looks more like "The Lorax" than an actual basketball player, perhaps the wisdom of Matt V's old age is serving him well, as he is averaging 15.5 ppg during the green team's current two game winning streak. We'll wait and see if green can push their way back into the playoffs and then to see if they can make any noise and compete for a championship. But first things first: they must focus on winning their last two games.

Rob - In yet another loss, Team Yellow Mustard is headed in the opposite direction of the green team. Rob put up a respectable effort with 29 points, 7 rebounds, 5 assists, and even a block (which is a rarity for him). Still, as the weeks go on, Rob teeters closer and closer to missing the playoffs. It would be a supreme embarrassment for a number one overall pick to miss the playoffs. No pressure, Rob. Just don't fuck up.

Jerry - In a beastly effort, Jerry earned his second Player of the Week award with 19 points, 17 rebounds, and 5 assists. If I had to compare Jerry to an animal, it would undoubtedly be the Honey Badger, with his gnarly fangs and claws he uses to dig the ball out of opponents hands. I've played basketball with Jerry for over a decade, and I've come to one certainty about how his mind works: he REFUSES to believe a rebound is secure. It doesn't matter if it's Dwight Howard holding the ball 12 feet in the air, little Jerry will fling his body and arms somewhere near the ball and try to get it back for his team. The more I think about it, Jerry should have been a defensive back in football and made a living stripping fumbles. If he split his time on offense, he could even do some spin moves.

Troy - Troy scored a career high 20 points and hit 4 three pointers. His efforts on the offensive end have been greatly helpful in balancing out the red team's offensive attack. Yet, Troy only had 2 rebounds and 1 assist. While scoring is what matters, and what ultimately will win a game, an increased effort on the boards will go a long way in the playoffs, when every possession is so important. Still, with another weapon playing well, despite the recent losses, the red team is on the brink of becoming the team they should be. In the first half last week, before they were lulled to sleep by a team that couldn't even get five guys to the gym on time, the red team was moving the ball and playing well together. Let's hope they can rediscover that style of play in the last couple weeks of the season and head into the postseason strong.