Week
Twelve Player Reports
Matt K - Matt made a
ton of history
in Week Twelve. First off, he broke the
all-time record for assists in a game with 9.
After, a heated debate broke out whether anyone will ever get a
triple-double in a Hatchetball game. Whether or not it happens, everyone was in
agreement that the "trip-dub stud" would not be Matt V.
Matt K also shot 3 for 4 from the free throw
line to boost his season total to 50%.
Snagging 17 rebounds, while not his career best, was also very
impressive. At this point it's obvious
that when either Matt K or Mark is out of the lineup, the other one is
going to
have a tremendous rebounding game. When
they play together, it is a bit of a Tim Duncan/David Robinson dynamic
from the
late 90's, with rebound totals diminished due to the presence of two
strong
glass-waxers.
At the other end of the spectrum, Matt only managed 5 points,
leaving
him squarely in last place in scoring, behind even
Matt V - Matt put up a solid effort in Week Twelve, much more solid than his soupy bowel movements. He tallied 15 points, 5 three pointers, 5 rebounds, and a block. Obviously he didn't score from anywhere other than behind the three-point arc, but that is the norm for him. His one foray into the lane resulted in an embarrassing lay-up OFF THE SIDE OF THE BACKBOARD. Most importantly, Matt V played a pivotal role in ending his team's 6-game losing streak. Kudos for that, but his insane fantasy of making the playoffs is as premature as his ejaculations. It's one win. Relax. You aren't making the playoffs.
Luke - Team "Glacier Freeze" had their small winning streak snapped at the hands of the brown team in Week Twelve. Luke did his part, putting up a miserable performance of 5 points, 3 rebounds, and zero assists, but in his defense, his team had found success with him sucking dick out there, so he was just trying to keep that trend alive. Don't get discouraged Luke, just because your team lost doesn't mean you should abandon your strategy of doing as little as possible. You should just try to do less. There's always less to be done. Perhaps a good goal would be to play an entire game without breaking a sweat. Too bad that isn't possible, Luke is probably breaking a sweat while reading this report. In other news, Luke tallied 3 more blocks to add to his league leading total of 14. With four weeks remaining, will anyone catch up? Or will Luke take home the Mutombo award this year? Come on guys, start the block party. We can't let Luke win any awards.
Jerry - Jerry put up a strong effort with 11 points, 8 rebounds, and 5 assists - just about nailing his averages in each category. Additionally, Jerry stands 1 point shy of 100 points for the season. Make sure everyone tries to be safe when we storm the court for the milestone bucket. In an exclusive interview performed by yours truly with Hatchetball rookie Jerry Hahn, I asked the following question: "With only three games left in the season, how does Team Green expect to make the playoffs?" Without hesitation, Jerry answered, "Pat Ash." I was shocked. I asked, "How can Pat Ash be the answer?" Jerry shook his head defiantly, pounded his chest with a clenched fist and screamed, "PAT ASH MOTHER FUCKER!"