Week Ten Player Reports

Matt K - Minus MVP-probable Mark Koll, the red team pulled an unlikely upset over the orange team - home of the spider monkey. Matt K's numbers were mostly putrid, but his affect on a game is usually not statistical, so don't let his 6 points, 6 rebounds, and 4 assists fool you - he may have done much more that the box score doesn't show. For example, he may have subbed himself out of the game when the intentional fouling started late in the game. Or he may have spoke encouraging words to Beaver before the game, inspiring him to the game of a lifetime. In a strange turn of events, Matt K is now tied for dead last in scoring, with 46 total points. Matt K apparently didn't heed the advice of the mid-season report and has decided to score even less points. While it's confusing and inexplicable, the red team got back to their winning ways and stands tall at 6-2. Ball so hard.

Matt V - 9 points. 3 three-pointers. 4 rebounds. 1 assist. Yawn. You boring old fuck - do something new. You're a one trick pony that needs to be taken behind the shed and shot in the face.

Rob - Garnering his 4th Player of the Week award, Rob put up a beast of a game in a losing effort. He poured in 36 points, snatched 17 rebounds, and went 7-9 from the line. But there appears to be no corollary between Rob's production and his team's result. Some nights he will play his ass off and lose by twenty, other times he will play shitty and win by 20. What's in store for team Sunny Delight? Are they running out of gas already? Where's the crazy temper tantrums we expected from Rob? Oh wait, there they are. Rob is out on the court right now, squeaking in a girlish voice that the refs haven't EVEN STARTED counting for backcourt. "I COUNTED 17! I COUNTED 17! I COUNTED 17!" What a toolbox.

Jerry - Leading his team to their record-setting SIXTH LOSS IN A ROW, Jerome reverted back to his old habit of just missing a double-double. 8, 9, and 4 aren't enough - it's been said, but it bears repeating. Jerry simply has to shoot more. Just throw it up there Jerry. Don't be shy. If shit goes bad, just flail your arms around and start screaming, "I COUNTED 17! I COUNTED 17! I COUNTED 17!"

Troy - Troy was definitely in the running for Player of the Week honors with a 10 point, 9 rebound, and 4 block performance. Those 4 blocks put his name in the record books, tying most blocks in a single game. Troy should get most of the credit for team red playing well without their superstar, but he better stay focused and not get too cocky. Because you know what they say about cocky people: soon they have to much cock to deal with and it's coming at them from every direction and you stroke and suck all you can to handle the barrage of cocks, but they fly at you faster and faster until you drown in a sea of cocks. On second thought, Troy should be fine with this.